postpartum | Letters To Reesie

As I’ve said before, the first year of motherhood has shown me that there are a lot of things that people just don’t tell you. In some ways, I get it. No one wants to be the Deb Downer who squashes your pre-baby, blissful ignorance with the gritty details of their pregnancy, birth story, parenting experiences or whatever. Everyone’s experiences are not the same, so why cause someone to worry about something that may never happen? That’s fine and all. But for me, if you are my close friend/family member, I expect a heads up about certain things. Certain things that will remain nameless, but if you have ever had a baby, you probably have a good idea of what I’m talking about.

Although it was never explicitly stated, I pretty much understood (from books, birthing classes, my doctor etc.) that I could be straight up crazy for a couple of months after my baby was born. Overly emotional, over-protective, stressed, tired. Yea ok. I guess these are the socially acceptable feelings for a new mom to have and thus, the ones we hear most about.

Yesterday I came across this article. I will state that I am not a fan of the title. I don’t think it really reflects what the article is about, and in my opinion, it doesn’t provide an accurate depiction of how the mothers in the article seem to feel about motherhood. It did however, provide a brief moment of relief for me.

When Reese was a newborn I had nightmarish thoughts about awful things that could happen to her. Every article about a missing or ill child, a car accident, a fire etc. brought fresh fears and anxiety that reared its head at all hours of the night. Was it irrational to think that someone could lean a ladder against our home, climb up to the second floor window, cut the screen and take Reese? Maybe, but this image ran through my mind more than a couple of times.

Thankfully, I can’t say that I experienced anything as severe as what the women in the article went through, but I can relate to not feeling totally comfortable sharing these feeling with others. At the time I just felt like a paranoid weirdo.

Today, these fears are few and far between, but I doubt that they will ever completely leave my mind. I don’t know many mothers who don’t worry about their kids on a daily basis, regardless of their age. I guess it is the price you pay for having a child, and in my experience so far, it is a small one.

I have learned a lot of things about myself since becoming a Mom.

They’re not all good. But I’m going to be real honest here.

I consider myself to be a nice person, and I really do believe that most people who know me well would describe me that way. However, motherhood has shown me that I have another side. The controlling biatch side.

Now that Reese is almost a year old, I like to think that I have gotten this side of myself in check, but in the beginning it wasn’t pretty. Just ask Andrew.

I was made painstakingly aware of this side of myself when I viewed a video we took while giving Reese one of her first baths. Aside from telling Andrew what to do every step of the way (I continued to say “This is how I do it….”), the killer was when Reese appeared to crack a smile and Andrew commented, “Look! She’s smiling!” In the background I heard my annoying self say “She never smiles in the bath.”

What a B.

I might as well have said “I know more than everyone about babies, and smiling in the bath is absurd.”

Whether it was hormones or maternal instincts in overdrive, I was probably a little out of control bossy those first few weeks home with Reese.

However, slowly but surely I have worked on letting go and have come to terms with the fact that I do not do everything right. I understand that Reese won’t be scarred for life if she goes outside without a hat on and more importantly that Andrew and I are in this together and are BOTH first time parents who are equally clueless.

So the next time I find myself about to say “Wasn’t she in that outfit BEFORE her bath?” or “That’s not where that goes”, I will remember the sound of my annoying voice in the bath video, and I will shut it.